Lately I’ve been feeling kind of down. I see no interesting future at the moment and I think it may be the first time in my life that’s been true.
I just quit my job recently. The number #1 reason was salary. I was making less than half my previous job or to put it another way I was making what I made 12 years ago. Obviously I knew that when I started the job, I took the job thinking that it would not bother me and that it would let me stay in Japan but within just a couple of weeks, maybe when I got my first paycheck, I all of a sudden felt like “what the heck am I doing?!?!?!. I’m almost 40, I’m making no money and living like a college student in a Japanese 1DK. A 1DK is somewhere between an American 1 bedroom apartment and a studio apartment.
There were a couple of other reasons I left. I choose to work at my last company for Japanese practice but I wasn’t getting any. I had worked there before and last time I was on a team and I became pretty good friends with the people on the team. This time though through various circumstances I was not put on a team. Well, I was put on a team but that project was cancelled within a month. Then I was put on a new team but that team has still not started, 9 months later. I was added to another team where the design is being done buy an outside company. That outside company is not a game development company and was slow so the our internal meetings consisted of the internal designer telling us that the external company still had not given us anything substancial and that any input we might have would most likely be ignored. During that time I was asked to evaluated some 3rd party libraries and then I ended up writing some tools that although I’m extremely proud of (I wouldn’t be surprised of all of Sega started using my tools) I specfically told them when I started I did not want to do tools.
My friends from the last time I was there were still there but 4 years had past and most of them had gotten married and had kids so they were not as available as previously. All that added up to less than 30 minutes of Japanese conversation a day on average.
Finally the other big reason is I was disappointed in my position. I was just a programmer. Not a lead, not a techinical director, nothing. I’m not saying that’s a bad position but I’ve been lead of 5 projects. I’ve even had my own company. The thing I miss the most since then is having real input into the products I work on. Since then, my last 3 jobs, I’ve had no input. Of course I took them for other reasons. I worked at Sega to live in Japan, not to have input or income. I worked at Naughty Dog for income and to be with friends. And again I worked at Sega to stay in Japan. But at each of those jobs I was surprised just how frustrated I was to have no input. I don’t know if that’s true for everybody or not but I feel I’m a pretty kick ass designer, I know I can do better than most of the games out there and it’s frustrating to sit back and watch people make yet another me-too mediocre game.
Anyway, that’s why I left. I didn’t plan to leave early and without a new job lined up. I had originally planned to try to find something around May/June but in January they asked me to join a team, a team they wanted to start a project then and finish by November of this year (crazy). I was already planning to leave in May/June so I felt like I needed to either tell them I was not planning to stay until the end of that project or commit to staying. Staying would have meant crazy overtime. I have no problem with overtime. I’ve worked more than most people I know but it was hard to justify working that crazy for nothing, no bonus, no overtime, no chance for promotion, and no salary. So I decided to tell them and that lead to me leaving eariler than I planned. Many people have told me I should have just not told them or lied and then left when it was good for me but I couldn’t do that. It would have really screwed them but then of course instead now I feel really screwed since I haven’t found anything.
And that’s really what’s getting me down. I’m having a hard time seeing an interesting or exciting future. I suppose lots of people don’t see an interesting or exciting future but for me it’s the first time in my life I think.
From around high school I always thought I would start my own successful game software company and each step from high school until recently seemed like a step toward that goal or at least something better than before. First I was a contractor, then a programmer, then a lead programmer, then I had my own company though it was not successful, then I came to Japan which was pretty exciting and to work at Sega which at the time was like “WOW! Sega of Japan!!!”, little did I know they are nothing special anymore. Then I got to work at Naughty Dog to work on a AAA 1st party title.
But my next move so far is not looking so exciting. I’m not sure I want to go back to the U.S. or stay in Japan. There are pluses both ways. Tokyo is pretty cool in many ways. A zillion restaurants, great food, I have some friends here and I even have a few girlfriend prospects. So far the problem is that here there are no jobs. Japan is very age descriminatory. Game programmers are 20 to 35 only. I’ve been told by at least 3 companies I’m too old for a game programming job and not being Japanese they are not willing to hire me for any kind of upper position.
Coming back to the U.S. means I can visit some of my family (if I’m in L.A.) and it means more money, a car, a nice apartment, interesting TV shows, movies, a bed. I’m on a futon here. A Japanese futon equals sleeping on the floor. It probably means a lot more input at my job if only because I’m fluent in English. On the other hand I will pretty much need all new friends no matter where I go as I’ve only got 1 or 2 in any particular place and they all have families, wifes, girlfriends etc so it’s not like they can be hang out buddies anymore. Also, if it’s S.F. or L.A. I can already see myself feeling a lot of that “been there, done that”. Back to the same 5 restaurants, the same stores, same theaters etc. There’s nothing wrong with that except that I guess I have this image of doing it alone.
I’m starting to think that maybe the #1 reason to get married in your 20s is because by your late 30s you can’t have friends anymore. By friends I mean hangout buddies, the people you hang out with 4-6 times a week. You hook up after work 3 or 4 times a week and you go out together with once or twice on weekends. That’s easy to do when all your friends are single but the older you get the more likely they will be married and/or have kids and so they can no longer be a hangout buddy. Their hangout buddy is their spouse / significant other.
I’ve looked all over for new jobs and I’m very lucky, there are plenty of jobs but for some reason all of them seem uninteresting. I guess the word is that I’m jaded. It’s no longer good enough just to be in the game industry, I want to work on something I’m actually interested in, that I can actually be proud of, that I actually would want to play. On top if which I want to be working on something that seems like it will lead somewhere. Whether it’s to my own company or just the chance to make *my* game and I don’t see anything that looks like it’s leading there.
I’m also getting some flack about not having stayed at any one company long enough. I understand that concern and it’s frustrating because I can see that I’ve never stayed anywhere longer than 2 years but for the most part from my shoes, each move was basically required. I never planned to have lots of short jobs. I never switched jobs just to increase my salary. Each time there was a fairly normal reason. 1/2 of my experience is contracts. Of the other half. One company went out of business. One company I was young, living across the country and wanted to *go home*. One company I left to start my own company. Two companies I couldn’t take the boss (and neither could many others who also quit for the same reasons) I really wish I could find a place I could stay for a good long time. A place I with all the things most people want. A job they enjoy, a job that challenges them, a job with growth oppotunity, a job where they get respect, a job with good co-workers, etc, etc.
All of that is leading me to feel pretty down. I’m feeling almost like I peaked and everything else is down hill and that’s a pretty depressing thought.
Geesh.
Okay. Here is my quick ‘I skimmed most of the article, and looked at Bahx’s post here’s my quick solution’ post.
Well, can’t see an exciting future, I guess, if you take a look at what you have done so far, it’s pretty freakin awesome. I have friends still in Iowa working at department stores dude.
You did Japan! For a long time. Working in the game industry, every gamers dream. You just gotta figure out what to do next.
Sounds like you’re at a good time in your life for a reset. PeaceCorps! Engineers without Borders! (http://www.ewb-isf.org/) GeekCorps! You could spend a couple years in Africa, meet a super native chick, get married and like… move somewhere. I dunno.
Crazy ideas. But, they really could happen if you wanted them to.
My personal experiencie is that I’m also tired of the everyday routine, I want a change, the thing is I’m in the oposite situation, I graduated from college like 9 months ago, still can’t get a job, my parents think I really enjoy being at home goofing off all day long so they push me hard as hell to go out and find something…
Geez man, if at least I was in your situation I could take on many challenges, go and travel around the globe for a while untill I clear my mind a little bit, invest in something: your own game company, or at least a game store, that’s a real challenge!, you know, having your own ass at risk, not being an empoloyee anymore.
Sounds like you are kinda dependent on friendship and hanging out with buds like you say, dont worry about having all yer firends busy with their families, friends can be made everywere, maybe at your age what you need is to get a fiance that’s such a great challenge too.
just, you know, challenge yourself man, and relax for a bit, spend some of your savings in a nice trip and then get ready to take over the world!!
I completely understand what you are going through.
At one point all of my friends were either married with children or seriously involed.
I was left with no one to hang with. I had to find activities that I could do with my family oriented
friends. I found myself a handful of people (that were younger than me) that still wanted to hangout and party.
It was a little sad at first to have two separate sets of friends especially because I wanted to do the party scene with my married friends
but I had to adjust.
I doubt that this is really helpful but I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
Oh and I would stay in Japan, especially since you seem to really love it. Honestly there are no jobs available here in the States. Slim pickings.
I wish I were in Japan.
one dude said, “Join an activity where you are forced to communicate with others more often.” another dude said, ” invest in something: your own game company, or at least a game store…”
I really, really like the game store idea. hmmmmmm…….
in case my meaing was vague, a game store would make you one of the most connected, and perhaps popular, gaikokujins in tokyo. if you do it right.
It’s really ironic that I happened to read your post today. I just read the most depressing article on the New York Times website (http://www.nytimes.com/2003/04/13/magazine/13UNEMPLOYED.html). It’s the magazine section and it’s about the highly qualified workers here in nyc that have been out of work for about two years. One guy, who has published numerous tech books and had a name that was kind of bankable is now A CLERK AT THE GAP! Oh god. In fact, the cover photo is of him in his Gap uniform folding a sweater. This feature, though sad, was incredibly valuable reading. The Gap guy in the article was out of work so long, his wife (who makes 80k at her job) finally told him that if he didn’t get a job and contribute to the rent, he’d have to leave the apartment. I was like ‘daaaamn’. This led to his Gap job. But it also led me to some calculations. I’m in my 30s, still single, not close to being married (though I would like to be). I see a lot of my friends with kids and/or a wife and I feel like the odd man out at times. But this article makes me question that feeling. I’m one of the lucky few in new york who still makes a living from the tech sector, but in 2001 I got my ass kicked like many others. I can’t imagine that, wow, if I had a wife, that she would see me depressed, in a sorry state unable to find work, and then lay down an ultimatum like that. Personally, I thought having a wife (i.e. a partner) was about having a supporter. Someone who can help you find/attain your better self. Instead of helping this guy write another book, or maybe even start his own company, she watched him sink into depression and then finally lowered the boom on him. Sure, now he’s working at the Gap and bringing in some pennies, but in the article he makes it clear that it is incredibly demoralizing and (at age 50) he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Alas, his wife is satisfied though. Good for her. Basically, the moral to this story for me was, “sometimes we might count our blessings for what and who we ‘don’t’ have.” I’m not going to give you the standard ‘chin up’ line. What I think is that you might want to realize your power at this point. You are single (i.e. you can make any moves you want), you are super qualified to pursue any number of tech oriented career paths, and you are still relatively young. Yes, I know about Japan’s age-ism, but I believe that mainly applies when you are trying to work at a large corporation. It may be time to think outside the box and re-visit doing your own company. Dude, you are a tech wizard who is an American in japan with japanese language skills, there are a number of scenarios to exploit. Most of the english speaking foreigners in Japan on your level are locked into a big company, and the rest aren’t that smart and are working at an English school (no offense to those guys) or doing some disposable bar job. Your situation is unique and full of possibilities. You’ve just got to get tough with yourself. Wake up tomorrow, slap some water on your face, slap the shit out of yourself, and demand to yourself that you get aggressive about finding a new direction. To have a slump, you must have been on high at some point. Only winners have slumps. So now it’s time to prepare to win again. Regarding America versus Japan. Wow. This place right now isn’t that hot in my eyes. Right now, the only difference between America and any other capitalist-economy country is, as an American, it would probably be easier for me to attain true wealth here. As for living standards, jobs, education, entertainment, I see no advantage. In fact, I find the quality of healthcare as well as friends to be higher in places such as Europe (which I’ve visited several times). In Japan, I must admit, it does seem like most japanese I met were pretty much superficial friends as opposed to long-term contacts. On the positive side, as for healthcare, I’m not sure, but I think in Japan you can buy healthcare for around $50 a month (a French ex-pat I hung out with regularly gave me the details). And in the Netherlands (my favorite Euro spot) healthcare is virtually free. Here in America, it’s more like $300 a month, and that’s on the cheap end. Hence, half the people I know don’t have healthcare. Rah, rah beautiful America. What does it all mean? Nothing. That’s what I’ve found out. None of this means anything, unless you ‘give it’ some meaning. Unless you ‘create’ some meaning. That’s why (excuse the cynical tone) a lot of people just up and have a baby; it’s instant meaning. After a baby, you don’t have to really work hard to create a meaning for yourself, your meaning can easily be defined by your responsibility to family. I think this is necessary for some, but for ’some’ gifted individuals, I think is just a way out of having to define one’s self. Defining one’s self is not easy. It can be ugly, and you may find things you didn’t want to find. But I think ultimately defining one’s self is the only way to truly live a meaningful life. So, again, none of this means anything–until we ‘give’ it meaning. If you think you have no meaning, you probably haven’t done the due diligence long enough on your life portfolio (okay, yeah, now I sound like Tony Robbins). Seriously though, defining yourself is your power. I know people who have figured out that they are built to just travel the world and haunt cafes. And they are, somehow, happy. I know others who have figured out that, no matter how much they want to own their own business, they are really at their best when working for someone else. It is really important to be honest with yourself and make some hard evaluations about who you are. I made a similar decision as yourself. I left a great job at a company that most people would kill to work for. In fact, and I’m sure you’re getting this from at least a few people, the company was so famous and hot, people suspected that I didn’t leave on my own accord. How could someone leave such a hot job? It’s not possible, he must have been pushed out. Inevitably, some people will suspect that there’s no way you would have willingly quit Sega, you must have been pushed out. But I know the decision you made was one of the most courageous and risky things you could have done. You took a big step into the unknown. Instead of going the safe path, you took a chance and put a higher value on your life above just a regular salary and benefits. Kudos. But the risk will only pay off if you take a couple of additional risks to develop your situation. I once thought my destiny was wealth creation. But now I have tasted riches. I’ve lived in my own ‘bachelor pad’ literally right across the street from the Empire State building in midtown Manhattan. In the heart of the concrete canyons, I had a backyard patio and the standard issue huge fish tank with exotic fish. Yes, I even had a shark in there too. I’ve partied ever night for a solid month in manhattan’s hottest bars and lounges, smoking cigars with big execs and waking up with models. I’ve driven my expensive SUV all around new york while listening to classical music at full blast, as pedestrians struggled through crowds on the cold and dirty pavement. I’ve hired and fired people with more Ivy League academic credentials than I’ll ever possess. I’ve cut budgets and cut big checks. I now realize that riches are in the eye of the beholder. Now, free of the notion that I ‘must’ make a lot of money, I have been able to lean organically towards the things I really want to do. The things I would be proud to have as my legacy after I’m gone. They may not be big things to others, but they are big things to me. They define me. And having found, at least the beginnings of my self definition, I am the happiest and most in tune I have ever been in my life. Who are you?
What is the point?
By saying this you mean: Is it possible to find satisfaction? Humans instinctively need to be satisfied. Depending on their experiences they will either be on highs, lows, or somewhere in between.
Satisfaction is a combination of intellectual and physical (or chemical) inputs. Sometimes it is almost impossible to be satisfied. This might be based more on intellectual reasons or based more on physical reasons. Whatever the case, marriage and children only increase the number of inputs and change the equation, they don’t guarantee satisfaction. Sometimes changing the equation does lead to greater satisfaction, but it can also mean greater highs and lows.
You know what my recommendation is? Join an activity where you are forced to communicate with others more often. Not an activity with just a few friends, but an activity where you have to stand up in front of many others and do a speech or a performance of some kind. It could be acting, it could be music, whatever. Why? Because you need a few more inputs to the satisfaction equation.
Working in computer jobs can drastically reduce the amount human interaction. If the company you work for isn’t good at encouraging social functions of some kind, then even a great job can seem pretty lacking.
I see life as performing for satisfaction. It goes like this:
When we are young, performing is instinctive. We perform for our parents and we learn to perform to evoke a response. Children will do things they know are wrong because they want to see the reaction they get. It’s universal to ALL children.
As we grow and gain independence, we perform for self interest and perform for the internal experience. For example, we may travel to a unique place because the internal experience is correspondingly unique.
At some point we become dependent on work to further our independence. Strange huh? Our individual work is characterized by furthering the research of those before us or just performing to beat personal expectations. Our teamwork is characterized by performing in cooperation with others and possibly performing to beat other’s expectations.
And then at some point we become responsible! In this situation, we are almost always performing for the satisfaction of others. At work, we may perform for the satisfaction of our boss, or the satisfaction of money. In families, we may perform for our children’s satisfaction. Satisfying others is another way to achieve self-satisfaction.
The bottom line is: Performance is the only thing that leads to satisfaction. Perform more often and in more ways for the chance to be satisfied more often.
The game store idea is cool. Personally though, I would have no idea how to get going on something like that…
It takes something special to be able to really -start- something. Bahx you seem to have that. personally, I think I’m better at just joining things and hanging on for the ride.
Hey… Greggman. If you start a shop, let me know
I’ll be your in store slacker.
You got a great website. Youre just focusing on the wrong thing. Po Bronson wrote a good book called ‘What Should I do with my life?’ It’s a great book. Read it maybe you’ll get a clearer goal. If I were you, I’ll be a tour guide or some kinda expat (rookie expats) counselor. First, you’ll meet a lot of new people, secondly it fits you (you seem very observant and good with explaining stuff from different view points), thirdly you be making money and have fun at the same time. I mean, you can work as a game programmer and be an tour/expat guide (don’t limit this to Japan only tour)…Maybe, you haven’t explored enough career, to see what you really want to do…
I got two brothers, 34,29, and me 31, none of us are married. My brothers said Jakarta is heaven for singles. Check it out.
Dude, I live in Houston, TX, I check out your blog almost everyday and envy your experiences in Japan.
Please ignore what I say, if you don’t like it. Of course, you know you more than I knoww you. But for sure check out http://www.pobronson.com
I apologize, if I say something that sounds to preachy
jackson127@hotmail.com
The web is really amazing. I checked out the Po Bronson link and that of course took me other places. Then I found this:
http://www.ingredientx.com/watch/tales/index.htm
Great stuff! A journey through the web can be really entertaining. It really rivals and surpasses other forms of entertainment for me. I’m thouroughly convinced it will be a growing addiction for the world.
Come on jackson127, you just heard about Po Bronson on Oprah, just admit it.
Go to where your ohana is fromand find yourself there,…Hawaii
I saw that too. I was going to post something about it on the main page.
text
Sounds like you need to take a trip to some place you haven’t been to yet…either in J-land or elsewhere in the world, toss aside your current concerns and get a grip on your current status (probably sucks), and see what you’ve done (a lot, if the website is any indication), and not focus on the future…because sometimes forgetting about the problems will give you the solution that you need….
maybe you just need a break away from Japan for a short duration (or long one) just to get that out of your system….once you get your bearings again, I’m sure you’ll come back and be a force to be reckoned with…..if nothing else, you’ve had a cool website up to now….and hopefully it won’t have to come down….until you are ready to call it quits….hopefully not anytime too soon….
den4 :O
more gohan for thought….
http://www.fastcompany.com/online/66/mylife.html
先週は忙しくて読めなかった記事を今日は読んで見ました。
書いてあること良くわかります。30代ってある日いきなり
「なにやってるんだろう!?!?!」って思う年頃なのかもしれないな。
私も最近気分がLOWで、みんな同じこと考えているんだな～と思ったよ。
Hmmm
Shit Gregg, come to Canada and start up a new game dev company with me. I echo many of your sentiments, though my career has been seriously more crippled than yours has ever been. Here I am, 10 years and still wishing I had a talented programmer to hook up with and build wildly creative and fun games… But that’s MY selfish dream.
Take what you’ve learned from all your past experiences. What did you enjoy the most? What flaws got in the way of that enjoyment? Your answer now is to re-build with those flaws removed. If running your own game company was a happy time, but partners ended up bringing the house down, then this time around, don’t have partners (or make sure you have 51% ownership). Elliminate and correct what was wrong the first time around.
I also need remind you that how one feels is really a matter of perspective. You were in a similar state of mind in 1991/92. Had you known then everything you would accomplish and experience in the following 10 years, would you have been so down on yourself? I think the problem is the unknown. No one likes not knowing what’s to come (ok DUH, I guess that’s the whole underlying point of what you wrote).
Try looking at the future from the point of view of “Ok what cool thing can I do now?”, rather than “Oh no, what will happen to me, I’m doomed!”
OK lame advice. God damn. Just come to Canada.
I think you’re really have communicating problems. You should treat to professional psychologist. It allows to solve many problems.
Spacesoul.com Team
I’m like you…career on the up and a future to look forward to was THE motivating factor in my life ..my ‘passion’…somehow knowing that life would be getting better ..but the IT slump has stopped that..and now I’m back in a job (which I’m grateful for) with a salary I was getting 5 years ago. Realistically I don’t see a bright future in It anymore…but then I thought ..is this it? Am I going to define my life through my career choices?! ….Stop looking at the minutia of life….you gonna be happy with ‘Was a great programmer’ on your gravestone? If so …good luck …but if that leaves you feeling a little hollo …then think about what it’s gonna take for you to make your mark on this planet….aside from a transitary piece of code that’ll hang around long enough to get bastardised by the next generation of techies … maybe holding your kid in your arms on a sunny day in the park, stopping to see yourself in its eyes.. your legacy, might be enough? Maybe not…only you’re gonna know…so go find it!
Only I can say is… better go back to America if you want your success. You already know you are not gonna achieve something you want if you are in Japan. You know this country is not for nonJapanse, just like most countries are like that way except America (great America!) As one Nihonjin, I suggest you to be in America. You are&have great potential. Don’t waste it only because of being in other country. < ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Welcome back to Japan anytime and especially the time when you achieve what you can be, but I am saying that you don’t need to be in Japan to use your faculties fully.
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