This story came up in my Japanese class, I don’t remember why but when I was finished my teacher called it an adult story.
Since about 94 I’ve been signed up with Match.com. I’ve tried using it on and off for since then. In 97 I met a few women through it. One I met in May 97 in particular I hit it off with. We started dating and then soon starting sleeping together even though although attracted I didn’t feel “in love”. I know most men (or at least the media claims so) would have no problem sleeping with someone that they didn’t love but so far in my life that’s not been true for me. It problem is that by sleeping with someone I feel like I’m saying “I love you” but if I don’t then I start to feel like I’m lying through my actions and that started to bug me.
So, about 2 months into the relationship I told her I didn’t want to sleep with her anymore because like I said, I felt like I was lying. I did want to stay friends though and maybe it would change. She was confused but happy with staying friends but she was also very very serious about finding a marriage partner (something that does not scare me) and so she told me she was going to date other guys, mostly through match.com again.
Over the next few months we became best friends. It was funny because she would generally have a date once or twice a week. She would keep it short. Just dinner or dinner and a movie. Then afterwords she would call me, tell me he was not a match and then ask where I was and come over to just hangout. We had many common interestes and seriously, we became best of friends.
During that time I was studying Japanese and the place I was working at, my own company, was not doing well and so around September I decided it would be best if I left. My first thought was “where should I work next?”. But then it occured to me, I had just turned 32, I didn’t have a girlfriend or wife, I had a few connections, I should probably go to Japan. If I didn’t do it now I would probably never get the chance.
So, I talked to a friend with connections. He told me he was going to Japan in mid December and he would be happy to introduce me to some companies. Great. I immediately UPed my Japanese study from 8 hours a week to about 24 hours a week (costing me about $2K a month!!!)
In the meantime I was becoming best friends with this woman. In October we started sleeping together again although “just as friends”. That was a first for me. It removed the lying issue because she knew I was not saying “I love you” through this action although she admitted later she was hoping I would change my mind about being just friends. The deal was it was fine to make each other feel good but it would be over as soon as one of these dates she was going on turned out to be a match.
In December I went to Japan with my friend, had a couple of interviews and was basically given a job based on my friends connections. I was to come to Japan on Feb 2nd, 98 and stay for 3 years. Also in December my girlfriend finally met someone she thought might be a match.
During January I made all the plans, sold most of my belongings, sold my car, got rid of my apartment and started thinking more and more about how much this woman really meant to me. How she really had become my best friend and maybe going to Japan was not the best path for me.
I talked to her about it. She was not interested in going to Japan at all and with her biological clock ticking she could not wait for me even if I only stayed one year. She felt she could not risk that it would last. It took me a couple of weeks of deep soul searching to finally decide I should stay with her and even though she was dating this other guy, as we were best friends and therefore closer to each other she had no problem choosing me over him. But, there was a wrench in all this. She thought that by my staying I was basically proposing marriage. I on the other hand, although I wanted to get to that point but, basically felt like up until this point we had not been lovers and therefore I wanted a few months as lovers before I was ready to propose.
A couple of days later she said she had thought about it and that she felt like I should go to Japan because if I didn’t I might always hold it against her and that she should persue this new boyfriend. I was pretty upset about it but I saw her point.
So, we ended the relationship. From best friends to zero instantly. We both agreed that for her to pursue a relationship with this other guy we needed not to contact each other. Being best friends it would be hard for her to get close to him with me in the picture.
Of course it was hard not to contact her. My first though was that in a week I’d be in Japan, busy and distracted with all the newness of a foreign country but it turned out my visa didn’t arrive until mid-March and I didn’t actually go to Japan until the end of May. 4 months of being just a phone call away but I managed not to call or try to contact her. Worse, I had gotten rid of my apartment and was living at my office making life lonelier than usual. Showers only every other day at the gym. Toilet outside of the office. No TV to keep my mind off it.
Anyway, that’s old news. I’m not trying to say I still miss her or anything like that. I just learned that it is possible to have your girlfriend be your best friend and that that will be a requirement before I marry someone.
I mostly bring this up because I have a new “adult story”…