As always I think too much but it seems like if I don’t think about these things time will just pass and I’ll look up at 60-65 thinking why didn’t I do something about this sooner? Of course the problem is knowing what to do and actually doing it.
Lately I’ve been wondering if I’m in the right career. I used to enjoy programming. I still do sometimes but for some reason I’ve developed an aversion to anything that is going to take too much time alone, especially overtime as I feel like that is what has gotten me to be 39, lonely and single.
To give a specific example, I’m a game programmer and currently the hot topic in game programming is what are called shaders. The simple explaination of a shader is that computer and video game images are made from pixels (dots on the screen). Shaders allow the programmer to do complex math fast enough to generate those pixels. In the past, without shaders, we couldn’t do very complex math or else the game would be too slow. The complex math lets is make prettier images fast enough for games.
The issue is, complex math is hard, at least for me, and I have little interest in learning it for various reasons. The biggest is it will take too much time, more time than I’m willing to give it. I’m talking like it feels like in order to keep up I’ll have to make this 90% of my life. All my reading in and outside of work will have to be the latest math and shader techniques. Every week new techniques and ideas are posted. Ideas that while not over my head at a basic level requires some seriously detailed thinking. Ever heard of a “vorticity” or “neumann boundry condition”? How about a “jacobi relaxation” a “poisson” or a “laplacian”. Neither have I.
On top of that I mostly find the whole topic a waste of time. As a game programmer, what do I care how a model gets displayed. In an idea world, that would be up to the artists making the art. If they give me a cel-shaded model it would get displayed cel-shaded, if they give me a normal-mapped model it would get displayed normal-mapped, if they give me a typical PS2 like textured polygon model that would get displayed. As a *GAME* programmer I don’t care about how it’s displayed I only care that it is displayed and possible some of the management around getting it displayed. Working about shading is like a movie director worrying about the type of electric motor in their camera.
That’s not to say I think it’s unimportant, it’s important to have the a fast graphics engine and a good system to display the best images possible but at this point in the game industry, that’s no longer really making games, that’s making engines. I’m sure at one point in the movie industry making the cameras was considered part of the industry. Now making cameras is something camera companies do; making movies is something movie companies do. The same should now be true of games and graphic engines IMO and I want to be on the game side, not the engine side.
Even more evidence of that is DOOM3 just coming out and most of the reviews are that it’s pretty but it’s also boring, repetative, 10yr old game play. In other words, concentrating on shaders is not where game developers should be concentrating on. Some engine guys should go make the best engine they know how and then let like camera manufactures, sell those things to artists to make beautiful things with.
But it’s even more than that. Especially here in Japan where it’s been made clear to me that being a game programmer is something for people under 35 years old, learning this shader stuff is not going to help my life. In fact it’s going to hurt it. The more obscure stuff I know, the more I’ll be asked to use it but if you look at the way the world works, those that know this stuff are controlled by those that don’t so basically the more I learn the more of a slave I become. WTF would anybody want to do that? Most of us do it because we love it. I certainly did in high school and through my 20s. It was only in my mid 30s did I start to realize that the more esoteric stuff I learned the less choices I would have in my career and life.
That thought or idea has sucked most of the enjoyment out of this stuff for me; knowing that learning this stuff isolates me from others and forces my career down a path I don’t want as the guy in the basement doing stuff no one else can do and making the boss rich instead of myself.
And so, the question is, what to do about it? Do I refuse to learn this stuff? Do I push to be moved into different kinds of more generic responsibilities? Should I try to design more, manage more, do less programming more overseeing? Should I switch careers and do something else entirely? I once asked a friend why he kept programming. He said “momentum”. A very true but not a good answer.
I’ve complained before, maybe not on my website, about how low salaries for game developers are in Japan. Where as the average game programmer in the west supposedly makes $106K a year according to Game Developer Magazine, the average in Japan is more like $45k. Yes, you heard that right. The programmers making your favorite games in Japan are most likely making around $45K a year and living in an economy where most products cost 50-100% more than they do in the states. Sony and Sega for example have official limits on salaries of non-management positions set by the personel department of $50k! WTF! Money isn’t everything but it is a means to most things. Want to fly home to see my family? I need money. Want to get that new graphics card so I can learn about shaders? I need money.
So that brings up another question. Should I switch industries if I want to stay in Japan? For example I have programmer friends in the financial industry. One used to work at Sega of Japan. Most of them make around double what I make and they have very little overtime as well. On the other hand, most of them don’t appear to really enjoy what they do. It’s just a job. While I feel that’s not true of my job, making games is pretty cool, as I mentioned above it’s losing its allure.
I think one of the main problems is that I haven’t really been on a team in 4 years. When I was at my last job in the states I worked with 2 of my cloest and best friends and I was friends with many of the rest of the staff. We worked hard to get the game out and it was fun to be part of a team. Since then though I’ve been to Japanese school for 2 years, then at Sega but not on a team and now my current job even though it’s been 8 months since I started nothing has really started yet so there is no team feeling or a feeling of being part of anything yet.
I’d like to change that and that would certainly help my current attitude but it wouldn’t really change the reality of where it all leads.
There’s also the issue of my Japanese. While it’s good enough to talk all day with friends in Japanese it’s not good enough for work. I get by but how do you discuss a “jacobi relaxation” in Japanese? It’s not even the super hard stuff like that that’s the problem. It’s actually relatively normal stuff but not used in typical conversation. Stuff like you’d hear on a discovery channel show. “This car accelerates from 0 to 60 miles per hour in 4.5 seconds but it’s back heavy so if you accelerate too fast you’ll pop a wheelie and the front wheels will leave the ground. It has a friction coefficient of 3.1 so if you go faster than 30 mph and turn harder than 22.3 degrees the back end will skid out and spin around. When turning the front left part of the car leans in 4 degrees front and left due to the special racing suspension system which also shapes the car like a spoiler into the window increasing traction” I don’t know how to say stuff like that easily in Japanese. While one on one, probably with some paper diagrams I might be able to get those ideas across, in a meeting about game design I’d be lost.
I just started Japanese lessons again last week, hopefully to fix this problem. The point is though, without being actually fluent it’s really hard to be a part of the company. At an American company I would naturally and without trying know what was going on around me, what was happening with people around me, what they were working on, what products were being worked on and what was about to ship etc. I could contribute to all of them in some way or another. I could browse the company news to see what was going on, read the company BBS, look up company policies on the company database etc. At a Japanese company, so far I can do none of that. I’m like a little island of gaijin surrounded by a sea of Japanese that I don’t really understand. It’s very isolating and I wonder how long it will take to get better if it ever will. It’s not about the Japanese not being friendly, it’s about me not just naturally being a part of it because of the language barrier.
Things to think about when coming to Japan.
The majority of my non-Japanese friends work at English speaking companies (financial companies) or they work in mostly English speaking departments within Japanese companies. Maybe I’m ignoring a few of them but at least it seems like most of them are not in my position of being the only gaijin in the department. Of course it doesn’t help that my internal setting is set to introvert so that as much as I might want to be a part of everything I don’t want to bother everyone which is what would happen with my poor Japanese. To put it in concrete terms I get on average less than 20 minutes a day of human interaction at work here in Japan, that includes lunch which doesn’t happen at my company since no one is in the office until 1:30 – 2pm.
First, a little bit about myself. I am a Chinese Canadian who was borned in Hong Kong, immigrated to Canada for almost 20 year. Currently, I am working in Switzerland for the past 3 years. Before that I was working in HK for almost 2 years. My job is in the IT industry, started out as a PC technician, got my MCSE in 97 then worked as a network admistrator for about 2 years. (All in Canada) In early 2000, because of family pressure, I move back to HK and there, I worked for the worst company in the world… (the way people work in HK is very much like the Japanese… with tons of overtime, no sense in trusting their employees… nothing but frustration.) The only good thing that came out of it was a contact with a Swiss company who is working on Powerline technology. (Basically, they are using power cables to deliver network data.) Since you are in Tokyo, Japan, you might have heard that TEPCO is working on deploying broadband Internet access via fiber to the home, which is too expensive, so they are now looking at hybrid solutions such as fiber-to-wi-fi or fiber-to-PLC. The whole technology is very promising but unfortunately, it came out shortly before the tech. bubble burst in 2000. In a way, I was luck to be able to work for this Swiss company but at the same time, you know you are on a sinking boad from the day I joined.
After reading your blog, I feel that we are pretty much on the same boat. I started out with a passion with computers, networking and PLC is something that is new and exciting. With this job, I was able to escape HK and live in a place that is very relaxing and an excellent vacation plan. (I get 5 weeks of paid holiday each year) Salary in Switzerland is high when compared with the rest of the Europe. (Not to make you feel bad but I get close to 76K/year being in customer support.) Of course, cost of living is also high in Switzerland but I managed to save quite a bit of money by not drinking alcohol, smoke and eating at home. Bascially, I don’t have much of a social life due to: money saving and my lack of German / French speaking skills. So, you probably ask why didn’t I learn… well, for starter, I am in customer support, I had to fly off for a week or two when I first started the job. Second, knowing that you are on a sinking boat, you never know how long the job would last so, learning their language or blending into their culture was on my least-want-to-do list. The thing is, I have a pretty good saving in the bank right now (close to 100K CHF) but am I happy about this? Not really. Like you have mentioned in your blog… I, too, am in my 30s, single and rather lonely…
BTW, don’t get me wrong, I am not coming on to you. I can’t remember how I found your website but I think it was via google while searching for some reviews on Japanese museums and stuff a few years ago. Similar thing we have is that we both like Japan. (Even though I don’t live in Japan but I really like the country for their food, culture, animation and manga.) Heck, I learned Japanese just so I could understand their animation and manga because I really didn’t like any of the translation crap.
Back to my story, I am leaving Switzerland for good this October and my original plan is to go back to Canada when I enjoy most. However, good job opportunities is rare in Canada so this is uncertainty number one I am dealing with. Yes, my savings. I think I have enough to last me for a while but the thing is, I am somehow hopelessly depending on a job to get by with my life. Even though I know I will be happy in Canada but not knowing when I would get another job, bothers me. The second thing I am now dealing with is, fate is playing a joke on me, that I have a job offer in Hong Kong. (Did I mentioned that I don’t really like living there?) Do you see where I am going? On one hand, Canada, a place where I know I would enjoy but not knowing when to get another job. On the other hand, HK, a place where I don’t enjoy living but it fulfills my stupid dependency on work… For most people, I think the choice is obvious but for someone who has a Chinese cultural background, this is something rather different.
Bottom line, I am just going to make a stop over to Canada before my next job starts in HK. I will let fate unwrap itself in its own beautful/ugly way and see if I could bring myself to the flight to HK…
Sorry, if this whole thing doesn’t make any sense to anyone. BTW, for Greg, my friend gave me two books on my last birthday. One I have already finished and the other one I just started yesterday. They are: “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” (this one, I have finished) and “Tuesday with Morrie”. (both books are by Mitch Albom) Excellent books if you are questioning your own life and what you are doing.
Take care.
PS: Please excuse me when I didn’t use my real name… blogging in this topic is brand new for me.
Greg,
a brave blog entry, especially as you indicate that your “internal setting is set to introvert”.
I am in a somewhat similar position: I (gaijin, 39) work in an office completely surrounded by Japanese. My Japanese ability is limited, so I miss a lot of the work/business related things that they are talking about around me. The chatting on informal topics (holidays, kids, soccer etc.) I am able to understand. So it is indeed difficult to keep up to date; to keep on knowing what is happening in the company and in which direction the company is moving. The main difference seems to be that I am in a position that I have the freedom to organize my own work.
I do not have much of advise to you. Try to analyze the situation that you are in, both in private as well as business situation. Consider what aspects of life are important to you and which one is more important than the other. Compare your current location (Japan) to opportunities in other locations. And keep a log of all this, either private or public, as it helps you to get a clear picture and see the underlying structures.
What about moving on to the Executive track? It seems to me that a multi-national games company would love to have a senior level technical person that is bi-lingual. But perhaps that would be as demanding on your Japanese skills as your current job. But it would address having to chase the technology dragon. Leave that for the young guys that don’t yet realize there’s more to life than work!
If you think you’ve experienced Japan to the fullest and is becoming unhappy, then maybe you need a change.
I feel exactly the same way about what I’m doing, same feelings - but I’m in my late twenties, coming to the end of a Master’s degree in computing, wondering why I did it, why I’m doing it now - and (ironically) wishing I could quit and go into computer games programming, rather than come out of it like you’re thinking, having flirted with it as a job before my degree course.
I think everyone questions what they’re doing with their lives from time to time. Maybe certain people feel it more.
You can still feel alone even if you’re in a job with people who speak your language. I imagine it must be even more difficult if you’re in another country. Perhaps it might be worth just putting everything to the back of your mind and going out of your way to make conversation with people from time to time?
I know it sounds silly but you need to make some proper friends in your new environment; not just “workmates” but friends who you can identify with. 20 minutes a day with workmates is not enough meaningful contact with people – you don’t want to become isolated and withdrawn (it seems to go with the work in certain programming jobs). You have to have meaningful contact. I don’t think I would have been able to get through a lot of things if I hadn’t have had contact with family and friends.
As with everything else you’re thinking about - just do what feels best. You’ve no ties, you have money behind you, you’ve a lot to offer in all respects and you can do anything you put your mind to. In your current position, it’s not worth worrying about it all.
Of course no one can know the answers since it’s your own path, but here are a few things to consider…
In general you seem to have very strong opinions about how things should be done, especially with respect to game creation. Is there a job or work environment that could make use of your ideas? Maybe one that wouldn’t involve chasing the neverending waves of technical knowledge? Management?
What do you like about living in Japan? Could you find these good points elsewhere? Maybe in an English speaking country where communication would be easier? How about a compromise? A job that involves technology and occasional business trips to Japan?
In a big, abstract sense, what do you like about your work? Is it creating GAMES in particular? The problem solving process? The team interaction? If it’s not specifically the games, could you find this fulfillment in another way? Maybe even outside of work?
Personally, I think the desire to get away from the gritty technical details to a more big picture perspective is very natural. The more you learn about computers (or anything), the more you come to notice the patterns over time. Keeping up with the latest networking standard, OS, or programming language becomes a little tedious. From what I’ve seen, when people feel this way they’re ready to start delegating to others so they can oversee the larger whole and have more control.
Hey Gregg-dude. Nothing wrong with a giant career change. Interesting. I do work in a department with no Westerners, there are like 2 Chinese people, but the rest are Japanese. I have to lead meetings sometimes about IT stuff, but, they’re not overly technical, as most of our super techie stuff is done off shore.
Though, I still get into situations where I can’t exactly explain what I want to say without asking for confirmation from everyone every few minutes to make sure they know what I’m talkin about.
But, for me, that’s part of the fun I think. I like that little extra piece of challenge.
I don’t know what I’m getting at here… but I guess you should ask yourself, do you like making games? Or, do I like making games in Japan? If “in Japan” is part of your answer, then maybe there actually is something you really value about your not quite always communicating situation…
Recently I have been thinking that I would like to get into an industry that is more “fun”. Even if the job I was doing was just a normal IT management type thing like I do now. At least if the industry was fun, I might feel a bit better about going to work… I dunno…
Werid.
Before everyone starts yelling at me, I am getting most of my points from the book, “Tuesday with Morrie”, as it is giving me a new way to look at life.
Basically, from the response I have seen so far, everyone are talking about work. Well, is work really that important? Well, it give us money and there are satisfiction from work but these are never long last. Is money really that important? Yes, it let’s us buy things… bigger and better things. Once you got your latest sport car or big house, what is next? As the book have suggested, people who are rich will always look down on you and the people who are poor will always envy you. Where does it lead us? What if today is the day we die? Can you take the money, your sport car and your big house with you? What really matters is how you live your life. Making sure that you are doing everything in your power to ensure that it is a good one. You owe yourself that much.
PS: I am one of those people who used to buy the latest tech toys, lived alone in my parent’s big house with a sporty car. Every night, going to bed alone or sometimes when I hear strange noises from the house (wood creak) you just can’t help but to feel frighten or helpless. My IT career is doing okay but I haven’t feel satisify in a long time… Switch to another job will be interesting at first but 6 months down the road… who knows. If anyone here have read my first response from yesterday, you will know that I was hopelessly trapped in this working world as well but the book is starting to changed me somehow…
Thanks for sharing a personal entry there Greg (and thanks to the others also). I’ve been laid off for 7 months from my tech support position. In away, I’m glad I was as I was getting tired of it and with some of the people I worked with. Unfortunately, finding something new has been hard as everyone in California only wants to hire you if have the latest knowledge on the “sexy stuff” and th experience togo with it. I’m also halfway through a
Easy geezer. Sounds to me like you are not very happy. Being isolated is pretty depressing. Also changing careers takes a lot of balls and energy. This reminds me of a saying’ “Take what you want, then pay for it” – basically meaning figure out what you want and if it’s what you want, pay the price.
I worked in Dubai as a newsreader on a business channel for a short amount of time. While the money, weather and lifestyle (jet skiing on weekends can’t be beaten) were fantastic, the Western community was too small (everyone knows what you’re up to), the people too shallow and the lack of good women unbearable. Despite dating a 36DD Podium dancer (who was very dull) this made me feel isolated and lonely.
This encouraged me to move back to shitty, nasty, expensive London, where weather and wages are crap, people are cunts, but women and food are better. And at least there’s such variety in the culture that I easily find people I like and get on with who share similar tastes. I also hate London just in case you didn’t get that from the earlier partof this paragraph.
I still feel a sense of isolation in London, as everyone here thinks my job is either quirky or weird (game design gimp), but I feel less isolated here than I did there, because I can express my creativity as I choose here (no game companies in Dubai meant I had to pick a job I wasn’t that much into) and I have a wide range of martial art classes and friends to keep me smiling. I still want to be back in Santa Monica though. Everything I like about London but better. I’ll deifnitely be out of this bunghole within the next 2 years.
You have rather an elitest view of ‘Game Development’ you seem to think it means working on cutting edge next-gen consoles. Take a look around you, people are playing games on keitai and GBA etc.. Spherical Harmonics etc., don’t mean anything for these games, the platforms don’t even have fp support! If you insist on working on cutting edge ’sexy’ stuff you will always be playing catch-up. Think about working on a different platform more suited to your skills.
Play GBA Mario vs. Donkey Kong to see what I’m talking about.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
I must admit that I as well am in a similar boat.
But the other way round. I am a Japanese Canadian (31) living in Zurich, Switzerland, contemplating moving to Japan. I don’t speak the language (Switzer-Deutsch), and due to this have a minimal number friends here.
I find the Swiss are similar to Japanese in many ways. Perhaps it’s because Switzerland is an island surrounded by land. Or because of the ”you’ll never be one of us because you weren’t born on this island” mentality. This superiority/inferiority complex that both countries share make the people very welcoming, poilte, but will never admit you into the club.
You know, it’s always exciting at first, because every day is an adventure. New language, unfamiliar places, customs/traditions, people. But after that, familiarity, and comfort become preferred. I mean you get tired of this daily adventure.
I am in the IT Industry as well, and although I don’t develop games, I develop systems that operate games.
I worked in Nagano for the 1998 Olympic games overseeing the design, development, and operations of the results statistical systems (5 sports but mainly ice hockey). Although I was a JET / CIR, I was placed to work in the Olympic Organizing Committee. (lucky me!) It certainly was my lucky break, and I have been feeding off of it ever since.
Nonetheless after three years of living in Japan, I was ready to bolt back to Canada. I almost felt the true meaning of karoshi and gave the Japanese a run for their money work-wise. I am fluent in Japanese, and wanted to prove it to myself and collegues that I could stand side by side with them. Not to be referred as the gaijin who speaks Japanese, but rather the Japanese who speaks english! Nonetheless I am still a gaijin but I felt that in the end I acheived what I went there to do.
After the Olympics I married a Japanese local and moved back to Canada. After 1 1/2 years I decided I couldn’t stand it anymore and moved to Salt Lake City to work for the 2002 Olympics (where our son was born). Then moved on to Athens for the 2004 games.
Now I am in Zurich, Switzerland. I have developed an ice hockey statistical system for use in World Championships and the Olympics 2006 & 2010. And although as glamourous as all this may seem. I’m bored outta my skull and am ready to move again.
I worry that it may be that I won’t ever be able to settle down. Perhaps other pastures will always seem greener, and thus it’s the initial excitement that always keeps me going.
Sometimes I think that ignorance is bliss and for those who have it all; living in a small village somewhere in the mountains. No desire to leave because everything in their world is right there. Friends, family, home where everything is familiar.
I feel that I want to move to Japan again because of the familiarity of it all. That I can master it all again by picking it up from where I left off. And although it’ll still be an adventure, it perhaps won’t be as frustrating as it was the first time round. Or perhaps I’m just fooling myself because I’m envious and searching.. I don’t know.
I agree with the statement that to move and change will have its costs. Giving up comfort, security, to be left to your own devices. And although there may be nothing to worry about per se. It’s rather the fear of looking back and thinking “damn, I should’ve stayed and tried harder”. Or having people point out to you that you were crazy for giving it all up.
I suppose that most of us ex-pats are just hanging in (putting up with) working, saving, experiencing something different so that we can take back our money and experiences to settle in somewhere we call home. The question is, when is it time to hang it up and say, I’m finished, I want to change careers, and/or am ready to give up this lifestyle for another one.
So move to Japan, then what? English teacher? back to IT? Who knows.. I’m just glad that others seem to be contemplating the same issues as I have.
Thanks for sharing the life info, I find my life similar to yours, but not exactly. I’m 24 been going to college for way too long (on the forever plan), majoring in computer science while hoping to one day have my own game company. I don’t interact with people much at school or anywhere that I am and life just gets depressing because of this. Without interactions everything starts getting negative and I find myself blaming it on how my life is at the time or how it’s going. It makes you question everything you’re doing because you almost having nothing else to do. Life is a balance of everything. For all the times that you spend alone you need to counter act with interactions. Not interactions with meaningless people either you need those good friends that help the time go by. Lately I’ve found myself just not wanting to do the things I like doing, like programming, drawing, playing video games because I feel like I’m just “hanging out” with myself and that I’ve been doing that for way too long. I think lonliness is one of the worst feelings out there because it feels like there is nobody you can talk to about anything. At the same time I believe that you have to be okay with being by yourself (balance stuff again), because people aren’t alway going to be there when you want them to. It sounds to me that you don’t like the way game making is heading right now. I feel the same way. There is way to much focus on the glitter factor of games such as making the movie-like cutscenes and having the best graphics and whatnot. Whatever happened to gameplay as the main draw to games. I feel like gaming industry is turning into the movie industry and they just crank out your typical big budget game over-and-over (i’m changing this when my comopany gets started). Here are a couple of questions I had, why not find a game company that has the same game making ideals as you? Why is that your working in Japan instead of in the US? And to finish it all off, it sound like you need to balance the life with good ol’friend interactions, time to make some new ones if you don’t already have some greats ones out there
Hey Gregg. I agree with the guy about changing the games/platform that you are working on. I am a programmer on a pretty high profile game in the UK, and now that it’s wrapping up, all I can think about is how much I wish I worked on ‘Katamari Damashii’, ‘Gradius V’ or ‘Viewtiful Joe’ – some games that are more about the game than the technology.
I think there is a general malaise within games, caused by the constant march of technology. Maybe we’d all do well to stop marching, and explore where we are a bit more.
Incidentally, regarding ‘grass-is-always-greener’ syndrom, I used to live in Kyoto (I left for this job), and in fact I’m about ready to throw in the gamedev towel for a while and head back there. I simply don’t feel as connected to the modern western games market as I used to, and I’d rather spend time developing my Japanese language skills. Maybe I’ll look you up (if you’re still around
)
Gman!! I won’t say that I know what you are feeling, because I have never been on the cutting edge of anything and still feel very far away from it. LOL. But I do sympathise with your feelings. I have gone through similar times as well, and that prompted me to move from the middle-of-nowhere Japan to Tokyo. The reason = friends.
7 months ago, when I got axed I had a nice chunk of change in my bank account and had already mentally spent half of it on things I wanted back home (down payment on a Lotus Elise, new PC, new TV, some nice clothes and a whole lot of wine). I could have just packed it all up and went back home for Xmas… never to return to Japan again. I didn’t do it though, because I had made a whole lot of great friends here in Tokyo, and had only 4 back in SoCal. While 2 of those friends were especially close to me, and I really wanted to be in LA with them having fun on the weekends and what not, I also had a whole lot here in Japan that I would have to give up. I chose to stay here in Japan a while longer and see what happened… I think I made a good choice.
Changing topics… your story of being on the cutting edge and giving your all to acquire the best reminded me of something. Our college valedictorian. 4.0 and did lots of stuff on the side. Amazingly intelligent…. one of those guys who go into the college because he got a perfect SAT score, got a 5.0 in High School (weighted for AP classes) and could write well. You know what, when his name was announced as the class valedictorian and he went up to receive his award and give his speech and listen to all the faculty praise him and tell us all how he is getting signed by some top-level Investment banking firm making $60,000 (which seemed like a lot to me then), 80% of the class asked the person sitting next to him… “Who is that guy? Is he a student here?”
I had never seen nor heard of him… neither had 80% of anyone else. Hell, to this day I don’t even remember his name!! He was the perfect student. He went to all his classes, did all his homework, read all the books, and finished all his reports on time. I don’t think he went to one single party. I don’t think he did anything else outside of study.
So what I am trying to get to is QUALITY OF LIFE. That is #1 for me. Work will never give me satisfaction… I enjoy being with friends. Through work I will be able to get money that I can spend with me friends. Being with my friends was what enabled me to continue getting out of bed and going to work at a place that abused me.
I wish you the best
As far as Japanese in concerned… my Japanese is not bad, but it is not and never will be native. I have hit a plateau in my mastery (snicker) of the Japanese Language… I should be working hard now to get myself to the next level, but I am just lazy. But keep in mind, languages don’t come easy. You have been “studying” the English language for as long as you have been born. Compare that to the number of years you have been actively studying [insert foreign language here]. You may have grasped an extremely high-level of understanding regarding concepts, ideas and worldly issues, but you are still only as “old” in that foreign language as you have studied said langauge. Imaginge knowing what you know now as a 3 year old…
As frustrating as it is, I hope you can find some condolence knowing that things will get better and it will take time and energy in order to make it better… and if you ever need anything, your friends are there for you.
To sum up my feelings… who cares about work. Go in there and do what you need to do. Then have fun with the people you enjoy to be with (I hope that includes me).
…sorry for the stream-of-consiousness (incoherence?).
Hey Gregg,
Here’s an idea (though it seems a bit counter intuitive). As far as the gaming stuff goes, if you can avoid reading gaming news sites and any and everything that’s not necessary, it’ll help reduce the mental “pressure” about gaming. I’ve done so for two months now and I actually feel a lot better about gaming … though the sad thing is that when I looked at the news sites recently it seems that very little new or innovative has shown up in the last two months; nothing’s changed seemingly.
As far as leaving gaming for some other kind of work. I’ve had similar thoughts in the past. But I always find myself not being able to find a better “alternative”; there (seemingly) doesn’t seem to be anything as creatively satisfying. I mean, I’m sure there is, but there’s this “je ne sais quois” aspect about making games … Hard to put in words.
So you’re now doing shader programming … I agree with you that (at the end of the day) it’s all not really meaningful. I mean, shaders aren’t the thing that drove “Toy Story”, “Finding Nemo”, etc.; it was the story. Eventually, the game industry will wake up and realize that. I’m not against technology or making things look cool, but making games look more realistic is a lot “eaiser” to do than come up with new types and forms of gameplay. The sooner that there are sophisticated tools to let the artists define how things look(with just a little programmer assistance), the better. Until that time, I guess we have to slave away in the pixel mines. Don’t let being in the “tech. trenches” get to you …
The game programmer salary issue here in Japan is pretty tough … and I have to say that the Western salary issue is pretty sad too. I’ve heard stories of some programmers in the U.S. who make ~$100k but don’t really know anything. They’ve just managed to switch jobs enough and convince people that they know what they’re doing. I dunno if Koei, Inc. is still hiring, but they seem to be gaijin friendly AND they’re quite well capitalized.
I think the most important thing is to figure out what quality of life you want. For a moment, put aside that you’re a game programmer doing game programming things. Imagine that once you leave work, what would you want to be doing. Of course one’s age has a lot to do with this. When I was 15 and programming, I didn’t care about anything else. Back then it was like, “Oh man! I figured out how to make this cool thing happen! I’m in HEAVEN.”
Nowadays, it’s more like, “Gee whiz, I have to pay these bills (greedy companies)”, “Would be nice to have a girlfriend, talking to the plants is really boring.” “Oh dear, I have to loose weight, I don’t want to be fat when I’m 50.”
I still find myself coding at home when I leave work, but I’m more doing things that I’m interested in rather than (necessarily) trying to keep up with all the new stuff; at this point, there’s just way too much. We obviously got into this line of work for a reason, we should try to “get back to those roots” (if possible). If I’m not out with friends, I mostly spend my time at home studying Japanese though … ha ha ha … (^_^;
Staying in Japan is another story … When I moved here, I came with the attitude that I’m gaijin and I shouldn’t (necessarily) expect to fit in or be allowed into the social groups. I did this because that’s the “mistake” I made while in the U.S. … There are so many unconcious social clicks that I noticed … To my surprise though, a lot of the Japanese people that I have met here have been extremely kind and have shared different aspects of their life with me (hopes, dreams, frustrations, and a lot more).
I guess with this kind of thing, there’s no one easy answer.
What’s kept me going is that I decided to just “make my own road” and not worry too much about the rest of the world. I do read and keep up with the latest stuff, but I try not to let it overwhelm me. 10-15 years ago there just wasn’t as much information flowing about game programming; most of the “hot” issues back then were trying to fake 3D on 2D hardware, doing raster effects to increase the apparent number of color that some piece of video hardware can produce, oh, and GAMEPLAY.
I think the game industry will move more and more into “specialization” with programmers being good at 1-3 things (the geniouses perhaps more) … It’s fairly natural progression of things. Of course, I think that one day being a “game programmer” will be a thing of the past. Have you seen what people have been able to do with Flash these days? It’s just a matter of time before the “Advance Game Making Toolkits” show up. I still remember the artists from my last job asking me, “Do you know any game making programs that don’t require programming.”
Hmm … I’m rambling now.
Seems like you hit this wall every year or two. At least that’s the impression I get reading your blog entries over the past few years.
A few months ago Fast Company had an issue that covered the topic of pursuing work that one enjoys VS what one was trained/educated/etc to do. They had for one example, an interview with an ex lawyer who became a fisherman. Try to find that issue. It might help the thought process.
Also, I have some very simple questions that you should answer. (No need to answer here in public, just answer for yourself–And do not try to rationalize, or put the questions and answers into context with the other questions, or what you’ve discussed, etc…They are simple questions, so try and find the “true” answer. Even “I don’t know” may help more than coming up with some sort of rationalization). I think it may help put perspective on things:
1. Why are you in Japan?
2. Why are you a programmer?
3. What do you enjoy doing when you are not working?
4. What kind of work tasks have given you the most joy in the past?
That’s it. In closing, I have to say you should make the money considerations rather low priority. A smart person can eventually make themselves valuable in any field. $100k a year sounds great, until you consider that you’re working 80 hour weeks. (Why aren’t people with $50k jobs taking on 2 jobs? It’s the same thing, but the answer’s pretty clear when you look at it that way.)
I have historically been an “artist”. I always knew I could program and I enjoyed it, but I never felt confident enough in my intelligence to pursue it as a career. So I always pursued the art side. But making graphics is tedious, no matter how good I am at it. Pumping out graphics is like factory work to me. Programming on the other hand, is an intellectual challenge, and I get alot of satisfaction from that, even if I’m not the best. I also get alot of satisfaction from using my experience, and applying that in directorial roles. I’ve paid my dues, so I feel I should be allowed to call the shots, and the best way to do that is by working for myself.
Coincidentally, last year was my best year financially ever. And I did it by doing what I enjoy, not what other people wanted to pigeon-hole me into doing. This became possible by just pursuing my own goals, first on the side while I was fully employed, and then moving on to just working on my own.
From what I know of you Gregg, you enjoy the ideas that go into games, more than the technology. You enjoy building what makes a game tick, rather than what makes a game look good. You should be in a design position. Lead designer in fact. I have no doubt about it. but perhaps the way today’s industry has grown, you don’t feel you’d even enjoy such a position (perhaps because teams have grown too bloated, and games to generic). In which case stand back and look at what’s out there that is suitable for a small team with one lead designer. Do you HAVE to be working on the latest and greatest consoles to get enjoyment? I know for me it feels a little like failure to not have “Playstation 2″ and “GameCube” on my resume like I used to. But the reality like I said is that I enjoy what I’ve been doing every day for the last couple years. What my resume lacks in impressing others, more than makes up for it in personal satisfaction. Of course, once I explain to people everything I’ve accomplished on my own, they are just as impressed.
RB
TheSpore sez:
>I have to say you should make the
>money considerations rather low priority
The problem is that he would like to “retire” someday, and not still have to work to survive when he’s 70 (or even older).
- anonnanana
Sounds like much of the same problems when working in Japan no matter what industry you’re in.
My friend complained about the same thing when she was teaching at a school last year. After she changed schools it was much better, but even working a 8-4 workday, she often found that she got less than 20 minutes of interaction with people. She would feel like she was in the way for trying to communicate with them, e.g. it was too much effort and they were too busy, and feel unreasonably happy whenever she was paid attention to.
Hang in there…you speak more Japanese than either my friend and I do. Let’s go to Taiwan sometime–I feel like getting out of the country has been really reviving. It’s been easy for me to a new perspective on life watching people without hot water begging for a dollar Cambodia.
Get out of games and into Business languages and config. For example, ABAP is the core of SAP R/3. You can make good money being a programmer and the language is just basic sql for the most part.
SAP, Peoplesoft, or any of the other big finance or HR programs typically have programming backends. This is where the money is and once a company spends millions on these systems they need to keep them going a long time. Upgrades, patches, new functionality are always happening so there is always work.
Reading your post was bizarre, thats how I feel lately. Facing another 4 years of part-time study to keep up to date with my IT skills I’m wondering it its all worth it.. and after those 4 years I know theres prob going to be another.. and another. But what to do? On the sunny days I wish I was a gardener.. On the rainy ones I’m glad I work indoors. Maybe its time to figure out how to plot the move to senior management, or become a consultant.. They seem to get by on a constant stream of boozy business lunches, and knowledge is one thing they dont seem to require.
Birder>For example, ABAP is the core of SAP R/3.
I’m glad you cleared that up, I thought ABAP was a bread role, could have been very embarassing.
PS: “Poisson” is french for fish. How is this related to pixel shaders? ;-D
Is SAP any different from the free version called mySAP?
There is no free version of SAP R/3 but if you hang around a bakery long enough you might get a free ABAP albeit a little stale.
and does Bob SAP come into this at all?
>PS: “Poisson” is french for fish.
If you want to generate a random number the best way to do it is buy a fishtank and put a single fish in it. When you want a number you look at where the fish is and generate the number based on that. If you use the position in x you get one number, if you use x and y you get two numbers, if you use x, y and z you get three numbers (used for 3d texture synthesis). Of course it’s impractical to ship an aquarium with each graphics card, so they use a simulated one along with a simulated fish. It’s called the fish-distribution in (English) statistical speak. You often see real versions of the system in Japanese restaurants where they are used to decide how much to overcharge gaijin freaks.
It seems the more complex software and hardware becomes, the more specialised your job becomes – and hence, perhaps unfulfilling if you like working on a variety of things at once. Maybe eventually the people who’ll get the most out of making games will be the designers and the architects, not the programmers?
I wonder what might happen to all those programmer jobs if middleware tools got more powerful? You know, if all games were built using something like XNA or RenderWare? With increased complexity, can games companies affnord spending years building custom engines any more?
Perhaps you should look at smaller games consoles like somebody else mentioned – the GBA or DX or whatever – perhaps that would give you more scope and some variety in the range of programming you do.
I don’t buy PS2 games any more. With a couple of exceptions, there’s more fun to be had playing bloody Rogue or Bejewelled on my Palm than there is sitting through some boring graphics-fest on the PS2.
hi, i actually stumbled across your page doing a search on the kanamara matsuri (don’t take me for a perv!). i saw a little segment on tv about the matsuri on comedy central. since i’m going to japan next month, i thought it would be interesting to go but i guess the matsuri is held in april every year.
anyway, i was reading your blog (i didn’t finish the whole thing since its so long) but i understand where you’re coming from. i studied in japan last year…i’d visited there a few times before but this was my first time actually living there. i had such a hard time fitting in because of the language barrier…not to mention, the people treated me differently because i’m japanese-american…my conversational japanese is fine so i could get by in japan with no problem, but when the conversation got too complex, i couldn’t respond…it got really frustrating because i was never able to fully express how i felt…plus, people gave me a hard time because i was expected to be fluent in the language and know everything about the culture…i’m sure you get some leeway being white (although there are some drawbacks to that too) but no one cut me any kind of slack while i was there…
you must have a lot of patience though because japanese people probably treat you differently because you’re a ”gaijin.” i’m surprised you’re not weary of it by now…all things aside, i think you should do what makes you happy…if you really like japan, you should stay but unless you switch to a company (or an entirely new profession for that matter) where english is the predominant language, i don’t see how you can be happy…japan isn’t an easy place to live…especially if you don’t have friends to confide in…
So I stumbled onto your page the other day at work and over the corse of a few hours read your entire blog history. I must say that it was extremely interesting/entertaining.
What baffles me is how many times you mentioned being unhappy in japan and thinking about moving on/away but then it appears that you had decided to stay. So what pushes you always to this question? Why do you alway cycle through the: Is my job right? Am I in the right place? Why am I single? What is the meaning of all this?
To me is seems like it isn’t the job or the place you are questioning but yourself. The place and the job and the money can all change but if that isn’t the underlining issue you will end up again right back where you are now, but the scenery will just alter.
No one else can give you the answers you crave and it I know you are not asking for answers by bloggin you are just getting things down out of your head so you an see them (or at least that is what I see and think)
I guess I just thionk if you keep getting the wrong answer maybe it’s the question you need to change.
p.s. thanks for all the enjoyment I have received from reading your blog.
Hi Gregg,
I’ve been a troll on your site for some time now. Reading your post made me think about my own situation and how it was kind of similar to yours. After graduating with a degree in computer science I started working in the IT department of a big company in the Midwest United States. I always have loved computers and programming, but as I sat every day alone at my desk I quickly started to realize that while I loved programming, I needed more interaction with people. I wasn’t on a team of any sorts, I was just given programming tasks to complete. Most of my tasks were given to me through email, there were never any meetings or brainstorming sessions and I was really lonely at work.
So I decided I needed a change. I needed to do something that has ore interaction with people. Two months after I started my programming job I left and hopped on a plane to Japan (I had studied abroad here earlier, and my wife is a Japanese national). I got a job teaching English in Nagoya for lower pay, worse living conditions and higher living expenses. But I had a great time. I loved my life there. I met so many people, my Japanese really improved and I got to travel all around Japan.
That was two years ago, and now I’m a teacher at a high school here in Hokkaido, teaching English and Social Studies. I never thought I’d end up with this kind of job or in this situation, but I’m glad I did.
I guess my point in all this rambling is that you should take a chance and try something different. If your not happy with your current situation, leave it. You only have one life and it is way too short to not at least try to do something different. It seems like you aren’t really excited about programming that much anymore, aren’t really happy with your working conditions and are feeling very lonely. Maybe you need to be in an environment where you are around more people, doing something completely different. Try something that you never thought you would do. Go be a programmer for an NGO helping developing countries, go back to grad school, go back home and program in an environment where you can be part of a team, or save some money and go backpack around the world for a while. There are a lot of possibilities. Don’t spend your time being depressed about your current situation and not do anything about it. I did that for too long in my life and it only made my life miserable. I think you are ready for a change, so try and figure out what kind of change you need and go for it. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you will have tried.
Hi Gregg, I just wanted to say that I made a small language mistake in my last post. I’m not a troll at all! I always thought that an internet troll was someone who visited sites but didn’t make any comments. I found out a better definition of it the other day (basically it is a person who wants to sow discord on a site), and I realized that I made a mistake in what I said.
What I meant to say was that I have been visiting your site for a long time, but have never commented before. That’s all! So I just wanted to clear that up, and I’m sorry if I offended you or anyone else.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I look forward to seeing more of what you have in store for us all on your site.
I’m suprised to hear that you haven’t found a specific role doing just gameplay programming (rather than graphics/shader programming), since this is the area that you love. In the industry these days, specialization is becoming more an more prevalent, so you have individuals specializing not only in the normal domains of graphics, networking, gameplay, but also their subsystems such as pathfinding, shadows, physics, etc. I’ve even visited dev shops with a graphics guy who only works on water effects (like the ‘I only do eyes’ guy from BladeRunner
.
It’s also unexpected since most info I’ve read on Japanese dev seems to be based on specialized groups – like Miyamoto discussing a team of individuals solely focused on the camera control for Mario64, etc.
Isn’t there a way to make your role more specialized, so that you can zero in on the things you like to make, rather than feel pulled into the more esoteric (and less interesting) work?
Gregg,
I’m new to your blag and am stuck by the nature of the choices that you have discussed and how hard you work to stand by them. It’s not an easy thing for anyone. But it seems that your choices so specifically define your day-to-day life that you are doing what you decided to do.
Maybe you should go a little easier on your self and take heart in the fact that sticking to one’s own convictions is personally edifying but often seems to get in the way of other people’s agenda. It makes you more willing to do what you know you need to be doing rather than what they would have you do. Self-knowledge is the nemesis of conformity. It is a gift that all share but few accept and a curse that most of us who accept it have to also accept the animosity that comes from those who do not accept it.
When you feel depressed or alienated because of your choices, look at the feeling as input and move on. It’s hard to devise a way to remind me when I’m in a bad mood, but I find that once I realize that this is where I am, I’m able to change a little by concretely doing something. The mood is not real but the games you make and even the words you post here are.
The best advice that anyone has given me about related issues is to accept my choices and know that there was never any real option except to do what I know to be the right thing at the time. I can’t argue with the real consequences of my decisions that have, today, brought me to your site. So why bother? If I can analyze a decision and then gain actionable information that I or someone else can use in the future or even now, that’s just me creating reality and not obsessing about how tough it is.
All things will pass.
Well, here is my turn then.
I only discovered this site today and it is already giving me very good tips about work and life relationships.
My situation is as follows: I am italian and I have worked for the last 10 years in the games industry as programmer/lead programmer/technical director on a number of reasonably high profile titles.
Being italian automatically forces you to go abroad if you want to pursue any form of career in the games indistry, so this becomes a necessity rather than a choice.
After closing up the last game in November last year I started having the same kind of thoughts gregg describes: “what am I working on?”, “why do I have to get on with just ‘another’ game?”, “and why games again by the way?”
Having worked for many years in games and having all the memories of the funa and enjoyment I had working with the various teams, I felt really strange thinking in those terms but I just couldn’t help it.
Then I moved to Canada 7 months ago; I am still programming for a very renowned company, although not games, but instead of managing a team and taking care of gameplay I am back to read books on fluid simulation and techniques to solve sparse matrices using graphics hardware, all interesting stuff that I already know to a certain extent; but then the same feelings reappear, and I practically just moved here! The “novelty” factor didn’t last very long!
It’s bizarre because being a huge Japan fan (games, animation, comics), and I mean really fanatic, I thought that maybe trying eventually to move to Japan and trying to make games there could give me back the passion and the spirit I lost over the years, but reading the posts here I am starting to think it would not be necessarily a good idea…
A relative satisfaction is coming from the fact that here I am not working anymore the kind of stupid hours you work in games, and that has opened up a lot of perspectives in my life that I completely and mistakenly forgotten while I was trying to follow the gold rush, and I have to say the difference is visible. Despite all that though, the urge to change again is becoming strong, but for what? I fear that this could become a repetitive situation where I just never stop following what seems to be interesting at some point in time.
I don’t know what else to say but keep it up!
Im not in the industry at all, but i study it, and im going to school right now to get into it.
It was my understanding that there are different kinds of programmers.. Graphics Programmers, Gameplay coders, physics coders, etc.. Just like theres a bunch of different kinds of artists from Texture mappers to 3d Modelers.. Coudlnt you become a gameplay or physics coder?
Also, after all the games you’ve worked on and played, and from your reviews on games, I dont see why you cant get a position in the actual game concepts development areas.. Like you were writing in another post, Being a Designer with programming skills is super powerfull.
Have you put any thought to designing and conceptualizing? Being a pioneer on the GAMEPLAY of a game? That part seems the funnest.
hey gregg -
DC desu. nice soulbearing. a piece that resonated with me deeply, close to my own experience working in a big japanese gameco…
the motive for working in a gameco is that the work itself is creative and satisfying. sure you could get more $$ doing database coding for MS, but would that be fun? Well, actually probably about as much fun as working in the game salt mines is nowadays. your issue on shaders, and spending forever on details is well made.
I wish there was a way to spend more time prototyping, doing the creative part of game development, and less time on the graphics engine… which is the burden that the playstation really seems to have brought us.
I came across this preso recently about mathengine, and somehow respond to the spontaneity of it:
http://www.ode.org/slides/slide1.html
I also like this ui for prototyping:
http://napkinlaf.sourceforge.net/
more for app dev than games, but an interesting approach to getting outside people looking at your project to see the cardboard that a prototype is made from.
unfortunately we are in a biz where each title is a 30man year+ effort. 1% inspriation, 99% perspiration. where the fun part (for me anyway) the prototype/design phase is just the tip of the iceberg. This is one reason i was attracted to mobile, where a full on 3-6 month devcycle means hopefully the balance swings back to the idea phase.
Another option career wise is to move over to the biz-side, but once you leave behind actually making things, I really wonder that doing distribution deals on games is any more satisfying than selling something I could get paid a lot more for. Used cars for example…
ah, toshi wo totteru ne.
/dc
I can understand, to an extent, what you’re saying, (I don’t live in Japan and I’m not you so I can’t fully understand). I’ve been out of work for quite some time and I spend the majority of it at home. Occasionally I go out to do errands, but I come back home as fas as possible. I don’t have many friends because I’m terribly introverted. A career counsoler told me to “use my network” of friends in my job search, when I explained to him that its small in number, his response was to get more friends. How can I do that when I’m introverted??? What jobs that are becoming available in tech are positions for specialists, you know x number of years in c++/java/trendy language of the moment/configuring Cisco network/etc. I’m just an average tech support guy. I’m obsolete.
At any rate, take solace in the fact that you’re living outsided the U.S., you can explore a new culture, and you have a job. Hell, you’ve just written an article fo Gamasutra, how great is that? Maybe that could be a new direction for you. What you’re feeling is common place enough. I’d say follow your dreams. I would if I had any left, but I’ve lost mine (if I had any to begin with). Hang in there. For those of us who can’t.
hello greggman, ohisasiburi da ne…
sorry, but i’m seeing the issue as something more systemic and fundamental..
one of the most frustrating things in life as a human being (and arguably the root of ALL problems, but don’t get me started on this..) is poor communication. simply put, your inability to express yourself effectively in your environment is causing you social grief. it should be your top priority above all else, to truly master the japanese language, and give yourself a chance to at least feel confident being there, nevermind actually being accepted there. keep in mind that because you’re an introvert it is doubly harder for you. if you can’t change yourself, then you should embrace the realities and say wtf and roll with it (ie. not dwell/contemplate/worry about it). because, what i’m sensing is that your perspective is tainted by your general feeling of still not fitting in there. (indeed you should ask yourself if you can/will ever feel accepted there…)
an earlier post suggested you ask yourself some questions and i thought that hit the mark. one of them was, why are you in japan? it seems you are making it hard for yourself by being there and fighting an uphill battle socially that is directly affecting your ability to be happy. but then having been there for so long now, i have to ask, have you not come to terms with this by now? maybe your expectations are unrealistic, or not possible ..?
I think your site is an example of a quiet mission that you have. I dare to be presumptious in my assessment. You love to educate, share and dessiminate information. I think you would shine nicely by being a lighthouse to struggling game companies. They could learn to avoid the hazards of the industry that you know well. Be a consultant on all that you cover on this site, regarding game design and the business aspects as well. You could be part of many teams for short bursts of time. If I had a game company, I would eagerly rejoice if I heard that “the Greggman cometh!”
Did the same thing for 5 year… The first year-and-the-half was culture-shock and isolation while your body/brain adapts. After that, things start making sense and the “Zombie state” slowly disintegrates and Zen sets in; mostly observing and learning. Get a non-Japanese girlfriend who knows what you are talking about, get a 250cc ( for less than 400cc, the license is fairly easy to get ), it helped me…
On your technical note, I agree; the graphics part should be “legacy”, but some people ( the grengine coders ) still get a kick out of it. You are obviously not that and me neither. That’s why I coded physics and “AI” only. Good luck with your Life and keep writing!
Greggman,
I worked for two Japanese companies here in the States for a total of 32 years. I can understand the isolation. You will never become ‘one of the guys’ no matter how many rounds of golf you may play nor how many parties or receptions you may attend. Even though I have been married to a beautiful Japanese woman for more than 40 years.
I lived in Japan for almost three years in the ’60’s; have studied Japanese and have traveled with no need of an interpreter. I am not good enough to follow high speed speaking nor technical stuff.
So, I would say find an occupation or pursuit you can enjoy. Life is too short to be stuck in an uncomforatable environment.
good enough too follow technical
It sounds to me like you’re lonely. Perhaps you lack confidence in your social skills? Think about life. Think about all of the people who have it way worse than you do. I think certain people will always stop and think “what is it I really want to do.” Other people simply live. I’m not saying you’re wrong to question but sooner or later you have to make a decision to accept what you have or make some drastic changes. Are you ready to make those drastic changes? I can say when I found my significant other we struggled but in the end there’s nothing like having another person dragging you off the couch at midnight saying “come to bed.” I think you’re missing a significant other. If that’s the case you have to put some serious hours into finding that person. It wasn’t easy for me. I spent most of my time alone. I did not give up though. Good luck! I really like your blog!